


squirrels are not to be trifled with

by RestlessWanderings



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: FWP, Fluff without Plot, Harry Hart Lives, M/M, Squirrels, hurt!eggsy, implied Hartwin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-09 16:31:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4356308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RestlessWanderings/pseuds/RestlessWanderings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the glasses, he could hear Merlin laughing. Eggsy was struggling not to laugh himself, and from the slight tremble in Harry’s shoulders, he was doing the same.</p><p>“Fucking hell, we’re not in America – we’re in an old American comic.”</p><p>Harry chuckled. “It would appear so, my boy.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	squirrels are not to be trifled with

**Author's Note:**

> just a fun little drabble
> 
> beta'd by cyanide-to-the-masses (thanks again - couldn't've done it without ya!)

Eggsy sighed, causing his ribs to ache in protest. He scowled, eyes wandering over the sterile white walls of the infirmary. He didn’t know why he was still there as he waited for one of the doctors to come back with his medical report. Even then, he’d still have to wait for Harry _and_ Merlin to sign off on it. Seriously, why the hell did Merlin have to sign off on the damn thing too? He’s the tech wizard, not the fucking medical wizard.

Still, there was no rushing the process. He’d learned that the hard way. Bugging Merlin always led to _interesting_ consequences. Eggsy chuckled at the memory, wincing as it jostled his ribs. He could look back on it now and laugh, but he had been nearly pissing in terror at the time.

He really can’t complain too much, though. The doctors had, at least, let him change into some civilian clothes. He rubbed the palm of his hand over the jeans, marveling at their softness. They may be civilian clothes, but they definitely weren’t _civilian_ clothes.

“Fuckin’ ribs. Can’t b’lieve y’d give out so easy like,” he mumbled. The kick hadn’t even been all that hard for Christ’s sake.

“I can. You hadn’t yet fully healed from the last mission, where, I might remind you, you broke your ribs in nearly the exact same spot.”

Eggsy smiled at Harry’s voice, eyes locking on to the older man as he stepped through the door. “Don’ mean they can fold like tha’. I’m made of tougher stuff.”

Harry shot him a look. “I’m aware of that, Eggsy. There’s no need to constantly flirt with injury just to prove it.”

“Oi! ‘M not flirtin’ wiv it on purpose.”

Harry shook his head. He didn’t move, instead motioning towards the open door. “If you say so. Care to join me for a walk? Your ribs can handle it – they’re a bit bruised, nothing more.”

Eggsy’s smile widened. “Bruv, tha’s gotta be the best thing you ever said.” The blond carefully stood, straightening slowly, watching for any pain. When none came he nodded and moved forward, passing Harry. “So the form wen’ through alrigh’?”

“What Merlin doesn’t know won’t kill him. Not yet, at least.”

Eggsy winked at him. “Playin’ hooky wi’ me? Thought tha’d go against Arthur Rules.”

Harry scowled. “I’m Arthur now. Fuck Chester’s so-called rules.”

“An’ fuck him, to.”

“Indeed,” Harry said, putting a hand on Eggsy’s lower back and gently pressing him forward. “Come, before Merlin leaves that damn cave of his and catches us.”

Eggsy smirked and began walking through the familiar corridors, suppressing a shiver at Harry’s touch. “Knew it. You’re _afraid._ ”

“Of him? Perish the thought. Of his particular brand of retaliation? Immensely so.”

Eggsy snorted. “Can’t blame you there, I s’pose.”

Harry replied with a grunt of agreement.

The duo made their way to the underground train in a leisurely fashion, enjoying the silence that spread around them. It wasn’t sharply edged like their previous silences had been, like the ones after Harry had come back from being dead. Eggsy shivered at the thought. He could barely remember those days sometimes. His mind had been too clouded by betrayal and heartache; he threw himself into his missions with reckless gusto but never once got injured with anythingmore serious than scratch or two. He hadavoided the new Arthur at all costs, and when he couldn’t the silence screamed at him – made him want to punch the man and kiss him in equal turns.

But they had, after a time (and a badly fucked up mission) gotten on speaking terms again. And Eggsy would admit it to anyone who’d ask – he was ecstatic. Having Harry back was like the first breath after nearly drowning. It was the first rumble of thunder, the first rays of sunshine after a terror-filled night. It was everything.

As they settled themselves into the train, Harry removed his hand from Eggsy’s back. The spot turned cold and left the younger man feeling bereft, a frown tugging at his lips. He shrugged it off, quickly donning a grin. “So, where we goin’?”

The shuttle began moving; it’s engine humming softly. “Wherever you want, I suppose. Though, I believe going to a park is the best option.”

Eggsy nodded. “Park it is. Say, d’you we should take JB? Maybe Daisy?”

Harry shrugged. “I –”

“Did you jus’?” Eggsy interrupted, eyes wide. “Did you jus’ do wha’ I think you jus’ did?”

Harry’s eyebrows rose. “Whatever do you mean?”

“You shrugged,” Eggsy said, “You actually fuckin’ shrugged. You feelin’ alrigh’?”

Harry’s incredulous look quickly morphed into amused exasperation, his mouth tilting upwards into a soft smile. “I’m only human, my boy. I’m entitled to a shrug or two here and there.”

“I dunno bruv. Don’ seem like somethin’ a gen’leman would do.”

“A gentleman is still a man at the end of the day,” Harry said.

Eggsy snorted but didn’t reply, lapsing into an easy silence, desperately trying to ignore the way his heart skipped a beat. He struggled to beat down the blush rising on his cheeks. Fucking hell. A simple ‘my boy’ from Harry and he was mush. Utterly disgusting, a Kingsman being so easily affected by praise – but Eggsy couldn’t bring himself to hate it. In fact, he _adored_ Harry’s praise. Probably too much for how little he received, but he’d take what he could get.

The shuttle’s stop surprised Eggsy – the damn thing went faster than any train had the right to go. Bloody convenient, but a bit disconcerting even after all this time.

They made their way to the lift and as it started up, Eggsy glanced at Harry. He hadn’t changed all that much since the Valentine Debacle, as Merlin liked to call it. They hadn’t been able to save his eye, and the eye patch had taken some getting used to. Worse,sometimes Eggsy would catch Harry’s hands twitching when something unexpected came up on his blind side. For the most part though, Harry was still Harry.

His eyes strayed to Harry again, glad, guiltily so, for the eye patch. Without it Eggsy was sure he’d be caught in an instant, but it wouldn’t surprise him if the senior agent could sense his gaze. He fought down another blush at the thought and smirked. If Roxy were here she’d spare him no joke at his expense. Hell, she’d probably trip him so he would stumble into Harry. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise him – the woman was a devious little thing, and paired with Merlin, they were unstoppable.

The lift took them to the changing room, and they quickly exited the shop. The air was crisp with the first stirrings of Autumn, and Eggsy shivered in disappointment. Autumn meant colder, snowier missions and after getting hypothermia on his last snow-bound mission, he wasn’t all that excited for the chillier seasons.

Staying on Harry’s blind side, he led the man towards the nearest park. He gave another thought to bringing Daisy and JB, but decided against it. Daisy would be napping right about now, with JB faithfully guarding her as she slept. Besides, he loved them, he did, but he didn’t think his ribs would be up to them just quite yet.

The park was small and quiet, with a few people milling about. A squirrel eyed him from its perch on a nearby tree, beady eyes glinting in the dappled light. Eggsy made his way to a nearby bench, ribs twingeing, and sat down with a huff.

“’Arry, remind me never to ‘urt my ribs again, yeah? Bloody ‘ate it.”

Beside him Harry’s lips twitched as though he was trying to hide a smile. Eggsy’s heart warmed. “I assure you, I’ll do everything in my power to make you remember.”

“Oh yeah? An’ wha’ exactly d’you got in mind?”

Harry’s eye met his but before he could speak, Eggsy spotted another squirrel joining the first.

“’Arry, tha’ squirrel is tryin’ ta murder us wi’ it’s eyes,” Eggsy said, nodding his head to the animal.

Harry turned to look at it. “There is no reason for a squirrel to harm us, Eggsy.”

Another squirrel joined Murder Eyes and his compatriot. “No, I’m tellin’ you, they’re given me a funny feelin’.”

The three squirrels glared at them from across the way as a few more joined them on the branch.

“Where the fuck are they comin’ from?” Eggsy asked, eyes darting across the greenery. There was no one around. A red flag popped up in his mind.

Eggsy went for his glasses and cursed happily – they were in his pocket. Moving closer to Harry, he gave himself a second to revel in the man’s warmth before scanning the area again.

“Merlin,” Harry said, tapping his glasses. “I believe we may need your assistance.”

Eggsy tapped his glasses and was met with a familiar Scottish brogue. “Dammit Eggsy, you’re worse than Harry when it comes to bed rest.”

The blond smiled. “I’ll take tha’ as a compliment.”

More squirrels were joining Murder Eyes and his gang, their small bodies sprinting from every direction and heading for the tree.

“Congratulations, agents. It seems you’ve stumbled upon a veritable squirrel army.”

Harry snorted. “That’s useless. What are squirrels going to do to us? Eat us?”

Eggsy could just pick up the sound of squirrel chatter as he stood. “You’d be surprised, ‘Arry. Squirrels and ducks are vicious fuckers.”

Harry shot him an amused look. “Do tell me how you know of this later.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Eggsy said, grabbing Harry’s wrist and pulling him up. “Now let’s get the fuck out of here.”

Before they could start walking the squirrels flooded from the trees and blocked their path, a mass of writhing gray bodies. Harry angled himself in front of Eggsy. Any other time Eggsy would’ve been pissed. As it was, just breathing was aggravating his ribs, and though he was sure he could fight if he had to, he’d really rather not.

“Merlin, is there anything you’d like to say?” Harry asked.

Merlin’s laugh filled his ears. “Other than that this has to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever witnessed? No.”

 _“Merlin!”_ Harry barked.

“Fine, fine. They seem to be moving as one, so I assume they have a hive mind mentality. Find the leader, take him out, and they’ll return to acting like normal squirrels.”

“An’ ‘ow, exactly, are we supposed to find one fucking squirrel?”

“I don’t think we are,” Harry muttered, muscles tense as a man stepped out from behind a tree. He was dressed simply in jeans and a tee, a blue baseball cap resting on his head. Eggsy knew the man had a gun before he revealed it, so Eggsy was not surprised when the gun appeared.

“Gimme all your money. Nice and easy,” the man said, American accent heavy on his tongue.

Eggsy rolled his eyes and felt Harry sigh and relax slightly.

“Really?” Eggsy said. “Arthur, where the hell are we? We’re still in the UK, righ’? Surely I would’ve known if we were in the US.”

“Indeed,” Harry said before directing his attention to Squirrel Man. “The gun isn’t real. I suggest you leave before you do something you’ll regret.”

Squirrel Man laughed and threw the gun away. “Alright, you caught me. But I ain’t defenseless. Behold, my great Squirrel Army!” He swept his arms out and the squirrels sat on their haunches and glared at them.

From the glasses, he could hear Merlin laughing. Eggsy was struggling not to laugh himself, and from the slight tremble in Harry’s shoulders, he was doing the same.

“Fucking hell, we’re not in America – we’re in an old American comic.”

Harry chuckled. “It would appear so, my boy.”

Eggsy felt his chest warm. “Oh no, the mighty Squirrel Man! We’re shakin’ in our oxfords, we are.”

The man snarled at them. “Then you leave me no choice. Squirrels, atta-”

Harry lifted his wrist and shot the man with an amnesia dart. Squirrel Man sputtered in defiance for a moment before blacking out. He dropped to the ground with a heavy thud and a moment later the squirrels startled, gray bodies sprinting frantically in different directions.

“Good work ‘Arry. Easy peasy.”

“There’s a device in his pocket. Bring it back to me and get back here immediately, Eggsy, or I’ll put you on suspension.”

“Aye aye, Merlin,” Eggsy said, smirking as he walked towards Squirrel Man and twisted him so Harry could get the device. It was a small silver thing with a few buttons on it, no bigger than a credit card.

“Well Eggsy, I believe it’s time to take our leave. How are your ribs?”

Eggsy shrugged and hid a wince. “I’ll be righ’ as rain in a couple days ‘Arry, you’ll see.”

Harry smiled at him and Eggsy felt his knees go weak. “I never doubted you would.”

The blonde returned the smile and took off his glasses. He made to slip them into his pocket when a flash of grey caught his eye. Murder Eyes blinked at him and Eggsy froze, glaring at the squirrel. He glanced at Harry for help, but before he could react the glasses were gone, Murder Eyes ferrying them away.

Harry laughed at Eggsy’s incredulous expression.

“Did tha’ jus’ happen? Did tha’ really ju’ fuckin’ happen?”

Harry coughed, trying to smother his mirth. “Come along, then. We should get them back so Merlin’s retribution won’t be as heinous.”

Eggsy groaned. “Fuckin’ hell, he’s gonna kill me.”


End file.
